Rachel, first, don't call yourself old. You're one of the youngest people here. 😉
Second, I'll just second what Rita said. Take good care of yourself. Your desire to run is inspirational. I don't know anyone who has gone through as much as you and still wants to run. However, I don't see a way for this story to have a happy ending without you getting a lot of help. Please seek out that help.
I think I've known you online since about 1998 (maybe earlier?) and I've always been pulling for you, seeing how much you obviously love running to never give up even after all you've been through. I'm still pulling for you, which is why I hope to see you get all the help you need.