I need help. I didn’t have a problem with food until my husband started a diet. I was just getting into running, and I began counting calories with him out of curiosity. I counted everything all the time, until I couldn’t stop. As two years passed, I gained about ten pounds as I increased my mileage to 30-50 per week. At 125-130 lbs and 5′ 5″, I am definitely not overweight. I was 115-120 before, and I even suspect the gain was pure muscle.
All the logic in the world cannot help me… I started trying to lose, and instead only succeeded in binging about once a week. And binging became more and more frequent as my hunger became greater. Finally, over the past six weeks, with the holidays and stress and all, I became bulemic. (How embarrassing, I won’t even say it aloud!)
Two days ago after being up most of the night sick from my latest binge/purge, I realized I was so depressed I didn’t even know how I would find the emotional or physical strength to run that day. I decided to throw off the cycle and start fresh. I am now two days purge-free and hoping to keep with the healthy lifestyle for good.
The problem is, how do I ever shake the guilt that I have come to associate with eating? And does running add to the problem? Do I need to give it up in order to escape the calorie-counting cycle? I mean, who wants to count calories and restrict their diet their entire lives? Running makes me eat more and causes me to increase in size. Muscle or fat, it doesn’t matter, psychologically, to me. I feel fat. I cannot shake the feeling that I would be a faster runner if only I could lose 5-10 punds. I fear daily that I will continue to gain weight, even though my husband says I’m crazy and I’ll never be fat.
Please, I mean no offense to those who really are needing to lose weight and think I am off my rocker for wanting to weigh 120. I just want to warn everyone not to become obsessed about numbers like I have become; it could ruin your life. Please remember to be thankful for your health and the fact that you are more fit as a runner than probably 90% of the US population.