Thank you for letting me air my dirty laundry here. Don’t worry, this will probably be my last post about my eating disorder, since this is a running forum, not a neurological disorders forum or something. I just wanted to show my gratitude for your concern and advice. I have only shared my problem with my husband, and now anonymously with you.
The last time I abused myself, it occured to me that an eating disorder is much more all-encompassing than the eating and the lying. It was stealing my very soul. I don’t even feel like that was really me doing that. It was almost as though there was a monster inside me, controlling me. When I got the urges (and I got them all the time, to the point that I was terrified to be left alone), they made me a slave. I don’t want anything to do with that any more. I had a chocolate at a friend’s house last night, and I got that urge again, but this time I was able to stay on top of it. I’m back! I’m not sure what the difference is. Perhaps just the admission of the problem made the difference. I also started taking my vitamins again, something I hadn’t been doing since last summer. I really think my body physically had a deficiency in something. I’ve eaten all the healthy foods I can think of the past three days, and today’s 12 mile run felt much better.
As of right now, I will not be seeking counseling yet. If I have any relapse, I will. I must admit, I rely on my faith to work it out. As a Christian, I believe that I have the ability to choose right over wrong in any situation, if I ask for the strength. I don’t think a counselor would tell me anything I don’t already know. Again, I am thankful to have been able to expose my disorder here; it has helped me greatly. I would advise anyone else who may be struggling with an eating disorder to think of one person they trust and do the same. Admission is the first step. It’s the difference between running and hiding and turning and facing.
I will join you again soon under a new name, posting on much lighter subjects. Take care, and here’s to healthy running!